Stefani: 0:05

Welcome to the she Lost it podcast. I'm Stefani, and this is a space for you to lose what's been holding you back. Talk about real growth, find courage and step into the life you were meant for. Okay, friend, welcome back to the she Lost it podcast. Today, you're going to have to buckle up because we're going to be talking about something that lit up my inbox, my notifications and let's be real my nervous system.

Stefani: 0:31

So I posted a reel a few weeks ago on social media just me dancing, celebrating the 45 pounds I've lost and kept off. It was just a moment of joy, a moment of freedom, and wow, let's just say it got on the wrong side of the internet and it triggered a few people. The comments started pouring in. Some were kind, most of them were cruel and some of them made me sit back and say okay, wait a minute. This actually has nothing to do with me and I'll say this louder for the comment section Celebrating your body at any size is not an attack on anyone else's. There is nothing wrong with saying I feel better now. There is nothing toxic about saying I'm proud of myself. You don't owe anyone an apology for healing your relationship with food movement or your mirror, and that is sacred. So today I want to unpack the truth that I learned, not just about social media, but about projection healing and why the unhealed version of me five years ago would have curled up in the fetal position with a box of Cheez-Its. But the woman I am now, she's completely unfazed and on fire more than ever.

Stefani: 1:43

So let me set the scene this reel. It was not about look at me now. It wasn't about shaming the old me or anyone else. It was about freedom. It was about reclaiming joy in my body after years of hiding in it. It was a celebration of what I've overcome, not just physically but emotionally.

Stefani: 2:02

But here's the thing when you start living freely, boldly, joyfully, especially as a woman, people will project their unhealed parts onto you because it's safer for them to tear you down than to face their own shame. And that's not judgment, that's just psychology. It's called projection. When someone takes their own insecurities, their own pain, their own unresolved trauma and throws it at someone else because it's too hard for them to face it in the mirror, that's projection. Let me give you an example, and this is a G-rated version. One comment said so you only got a personality when you lost weight and I thought, wow, she doesn't see me at all. She sees a version of herself that maybe wasn't allowed to shine and I thought, wow, she doesn't see me at all. She sees a version of herself that maybe wasn't allowed to shine and that hurts. So instead of facing that pain, she came for me. But here's the shift. The unhealed version of me would have straight up believed her. I would have spiraled, I would have questioned myself, I would have apologized for celebrating, I would have dimmed my light to make her more comfortable, I probably would have even deleted the post. But healing has taught me this when someone is triggered by your joy, by your confidence, by your peace, it says everything about where they are on their own path and absolutely nothing about you. And I'll be real with you. I haven't always handled this type of situation with grace.

Stefani: 3:23

I remember a time when I was asked to speak on a really big Zoom call. It was a big deal. I had never spoken on a Zoom like that before. I had never spoken on Zoom before. I hardly even knew what Zoom was. I was so nervous, but I also felt so excited, like maybe this is my chance to use my voice to make a difference. And instead of being met with support, I was called a narcissist and not just by a stranger, by someone I looked up to and someone who should have known better. And it broke me. I spiraled, I made that comment mean something about me. So I did what I had always done I shrunk. I went silent, I didn't speak on another Zoom call for three years, not because I wasn't capable, but because I was terrified that if I used my voice again, I'd be labeled, judged and misunderstood. And looking back, that moment wasn't about my words, it was about their wounds. But I didn't know that yet. So I handed over my voice to someone who hadn't earned it.

Stefani: 4:22

That's what shrinking looks like, that's what self-abandonment looks like, but not anymore. That version of me, she's not in charge anymore. And maybe you've done that too. Maybe someone's words have cut you so deep and, instead of standing tall, you shrunk, you silenced your voice, you stopped raising your hand, you stopped dancing, you stopped being you. But, friend, that moment it doesn't define you. What you do next does so. Let's talk about what I've learned since then, what healing actually looks like and the truths that will keep you from ever handing your power over again.

Stefani: 4:55

So number one we have to stop shrinking to fit someone else's comfort zone. And I know how tempting it is. You start shining a little brighter, smiling a little whiter, showing up in your power, and someone always has something to say about it. Suddenly, you're too much, too loud, too confident, you're too full of yourself. So what do we do? We shrink, we tone it down, we second guess and we make ourselves smaller so nobody feels threatened. But here's the truth you playing small doesn't protect anyone. It just keeps you stuck.

Stefani: 5:26

Someone else's discomfort with your healing isn't your responsibility to manage, and their insecurity it doesn't require your silence. So if your confidence is making someone squirm, just let them. And yeah, let them. That's inspired by Mel Robbins and we'll get into that in a little bit. But the let them theory Because when people show you who they are or how they feel, you're going to just let them. And there's so much power in that. That's not your cue to soften, it's your invitation to rise. Stop asking permission to be free. Stop shrinking so the people who haven't done the work won't feel bad.

Stefani: 6:02

You weren't meant to be palatable. Let me ask you where are you still shrinking? Where are you dimming your light so no one else feels insecure. If this is hitting home for you already, I want you to DM me. I want you to share this with someone who needs the reminder. You don't owe the world a smaller, quieter version of yourself.

Stefani: 6:22

Number two you are not responsible for managing someone else's projections. Let me say this louder for the people in the back it is not your job to make someone else feel okay about where they are by pretending you haven't grown. I used to bend over backwards to be relatable and play down my growth and say things like oh, don't worry, I'm still a mess too, because I thought if I was thriving too hard, it was going to make someone uncomfortable. But let's be honest, I was just betraying myself. Projection is real. People will take their pain, their shame, their fear and they will throw it at the nearest target, especially if that target is someone who has stopped apologizing for existing. But their projections, not your reality, their trauma responses, not your truth. You can empathize without internalizing it. You can hold space for someone else's pain without making yourself the villain in their story. Let them be uncomfortable, let them have their process and you just keep walking.

Stefani: 7:28

So yeah, mel Robbins, I'm sure you have heard of this concept. There's a whole book she wrote about it. There's a podcast episode about it. You have to check it out, because when I heard it, it completely wrecked me in the best way. It was like there was this vault in my brain that was finally unlocked and I had this whole new level of power. Let them misunderstand you, let them misjudge you, let them leave the comments, because your job isn't to manage their perception. Your job is to live in alignment with your truth. And once I got that, I stopped wasting energy on defending and I started protecting my peace.

Stefani: 8:11

Number three healing doesn't mean you stop triggering people. It means you're finally okay when you do trigger someone. This was the biggest shift for me. I used to think for me to be okay, everyone had to be okay with me. That is codependency in a nutshell. That being whole meant never offending anyone, and this doesn't mean being reckless with people's emotions. But I naively used to think that my growth would inspire everyone else to grow too. That is a naive thought. That's not how it works.

Stefani: 8:52

Healing doesn't mean you become unproblematic. It means you become anchored. It means when someone tries to weaponize your joy, your voice, your truth, you don't spiral, you stay grounded and you own it, because their reaction is not your responsibility. Your truth, your growth it is not up for debate. Your freedom is not a threat. It's just a mirror. You don't have to defend your healing, you don't have to over-explain your joy. You just have to keep showing up in your truth, unapologetically, boldly and consistently.

Stefani: 9:26

Healing doesn't always look soft. Sometimes it looks like boundaries, sometimes it looks like silence, sometimes it looks like dancing on the internet while strangers project their pain in the comments, and sometimes it looks like exactly what you're doing right now and not going back. So if this episode stirred something in you, good, let it, because the whole point of healing is that we stop living in performative silence, we stop playing small, we stop shrinking and we start letting them. Let them project, let them misunderstand, let them scroll away, let them twist it, let them call you too much. Just let them, because if your light rattles someone else's darkness, that's not a sign to dim it. It's proof that you're doing something right. So keep shining.

Stefani: 10:12

Share this episode with the woman or the person who's still afraid to take up space. Send it to the friend who's playing small because the internet, or her mom or her ex or her own inner critic told her she had to, and tag me, tell me what this has unlocked for you and, above all else, keep shining loudly, boldly, unapologetically. The healed version of you is just getting started and if you really want to test your growth, post the thing, wear the outfit, set the boundary, speak the truth and watch what happens, not just with the world, but within yourself. Healing isn't always applause and hallelujahs. Sometimes it's awkward, messy and misunderstood, but if you keep choosing it, one day you will look back and realize this isn't just who I became, it's who I've always been. I just stopped hiding it, and if someone doesn't like that, they are welcome to unfollow.

Stefani: 11:06

Okay, friends, thank you so much for being here with me. Thank you for listening, thank you for cheering me on. I hope you know I'm rooting for you. I'm proud of you and if no one has told you today, I believe in you. See you back here next time.